We’re nearing the end of Season 1 of The Shards (which I presume is the only season…right?), and tonight’s penultimate episode raised the stakes, setting us up for a finale that I am definitely going to have to watch in the daytime when it airs next week (I really can’t handle gore). Below, find quite literally every thought I had about Season 1, Episode 8 of The Shards, titled “Hamlet”:
- Again…why are some episodes of this show (like tonight’s) a robust 50 minutes long, and some are, like, the length of one of those long, weird, “interactive” online Super Bowl commercials?
- “Who is the poorest in our group?” Brutal.
- Wait, is this a flashback?
- Isn’t Susan supposed to be…in jail?
- “It’s purposefully silly and stupid.” Meta!
- “You’ve been obsessed with death lately.” I mean…people keep dying, diva!
- Oh, okay, so Susan’s already been sprung from jail after Rhonda recanted?
- After a 45-minute stint inside and everything!
- Love to share news of my classmate’s death (and my discovery of his severed head in a trophy case) at the Polo Lounge…or wherever the popular kids are.
- I don’t know ’80s hot spots by sight, okay?
- I’m old, but I’m not that old!
- Who is this cool-ass English teacher who materialized out of nowhere?
- Or has she always been around and I’m just fuzzy because of the NyQuil I took? (I’m sick! It’s not recreational!)
- “Real love shouldn’t make you want to kill yourself.” Tea, Susan.
- Is Susan just getting around to dumping Thom?
- Cut him loose, queen!
- Okay, regretting my choice of the word “cut,” because he’s now threatening to off himself with a steak knife.
- Good for you, Susan! Never let a blond man emotionally terrorize you!
- “I have potential. I have a big life to live.”
- Oh no, Susan’s going to die now that she’s said that, isn’t she?
- Well, this Liz-as-Lady Macbeth metaphor is less than subtle.
- Remember the pre-email-password days when committing a four-digit password to memory seemed impossible?
- And yet, we all knew each other’s phone numbers by heart, somehow!
- Do they still make Halcion?
- Asking for a friend!
- Hey! Less Than Zero! I know her!
- Sorry, but how hard would it really be to get the rights to a high school senior’s as-yet-un-optioned novel?
- Ooooh, Bret’s in troubleeeeee.
- You never want to find a manila envelope with your name on it when the Trawler is about.
- Or any time, really, I suppose.
- I mean, has anything good ever been contained within a manila envelope?
- Wes Bentley’s wig…why?
- “I would rather have been outed as a psychotic serial killer than a homosexual.”
- Ugh, the heartbreak of the ’80s.
- CONSTANCE ZIMMER?
- Ryan Murphy stays booking his girls, and I admire that loyalty.
- Oh shit, so Robert is definitely the Trawler, huh?
- Homer Gere really does have beautiful eyes.
- Gay sex? Or murder?
- Both?
- Okay, just the former for now, it seems.
- The plot thickens!
