The first time I took part in Too Many Critics, I was certain I had it in the bag.
The annual fundraiser, which sees restaurant critics swap notebooks and smugness for aprons and anxiety in aid of Action Against Hunger, was held at Robin Gill’s Darby’s in Vauxhall in 2024. Each of us had been assigned one of the restaurant’s signature dishes to prepare for a room full of the industry’s best chefs and restaurateurs – many of whom had, at one point or another, found themselves on the receiving end of a harsh word or two from the very critics now standing nervously behind the stove.
While I was still trying to work out where everything was kept, my fellow critics appeared to be executing carefully considered game plans. The Standard’s David Ellis was stationed outside tending the fish smoker. MasterChef judge Leyla Kazim was putting her fermentation expertise to work on the sourdough. Tom Parker Bowles had drawn canapés, a role he appeared to interpret as “quality control”. One for the tray, two for Tom, and so on until service. The Times’ esteemed restaurant critic Giles Coren… well, I can’t remember exactly what he was cooking, but I do remember seeing him nursing a glass of Champagne among the guests suspiciously earlier than everyone else.
I, meanwhile, had landed what I considered the obvious winner: Darby’s famous beef and bone marrow pie. Who doesn’t love a pie? More specifically, who doesn’t love a pie with slow-braised beef shin and flat iron steak sealed beneath a buttery croissant lid, complete with a marrow-filled bone sticking out the top? Frey Bentos for the middle classes. A guaranteed crowd-pleaser. Practically unbeatable.
Or so I thought.
At the last minute, victory was snatched from my grasp by Bloomberg critic Kate Krader and her tomato salad. That’s right, a salad.
In fairness, it was one of the hottest days of the year. Standing over an open fire while assembling a giant meat pie may not have been the tactical masterstroke I believed it to be.
A few weeks later, an apron arrived in the post with a handwritten note claiming there had been a “mix-up” with the tally on the day and that I had actually won. Make of that what you will. Personally, I suspect foul play.
Undeterred, I returned last year when Too Many Critics took over Fallow’s sister restaurant Roe in Canary Wharf.
Having learnt my lesson, I abandoned the obvious choice and selected a cold crab salad. Fortuitously, it was another headline-grabbing heatwave. Fortuitously still, while some competitors were dispatched to sweltering grills and roaring ovens, I was escorted downstairs to an air-conditioned prep kitchen with a Spotify playlist where I spent a blissful hour assembling 130 crab salads in a very pleasant temperature.
There was a lot of tweezering involved. And then re-tweezering after my supervising chef politely suggested that my edible flowers were not positioned with sufficient precision.
When I eventually resurfaced with mild repetitive strain syndrome, fellow competitor Molly Codyre looked at me suspiciously. “Where have you been?” she exclaimed. “And why aren’t you sweaty?”
Turned out, Molly had spent the afternoon labouring over an open-fire grill, painstakingly browning lamb to be later skewered, and looked as though she had just emerged from a sauna.
I felt smugly confident. Which was short-lived, because once again, I did not win.
This year, however, feels different.
Too Many Critics returns on 15 June for its 25th anniversary, taking over Dante, Claridge’s newest addition and the latest thing New York has decided to export to London, having first opened in Greenwich Village back in 1915.
I’m rather fond of the place. I’ve eaten there more times than is probably acceptable. The Garibaldi cocktail and I are practically old friends and my husband and I spent the first night of our honeymoon at Claridge’s. Whether that puts me in good stead or simply makes me sound insufferable, I couldn’t possibly comment.
Over the past quarter-century, what began as a mischievous industry fundraiser has grown into one of hospitality’s most cherished nights. Founded by chef-turned-restaurant-writer Bill Knott and the late Charles Campion, the event has raised millions for Action Against Hunger, including almost £130,000 last year and more than £145,000 the year before. Not bad for an evening largely built around the premise: can critics actually cook?
If my experience is anything to go by, the answer is no.
£130,000
raised at last year’s Too Many Critics event
Waiting to judge this year’s efforts are Elliot Grover of 45 Park Lane, Karan Gokani of Hoppers and Nigel Haworth of The Three Fishes, with Great British Menu star Andi Oliver on hosting duties. Joining me in the firing line are CODE’s Adam Hyman, The Standard’s David Ellis, TimeOut’s Leonie Cooper, former Guardian food and drink editor Matthew Fort, no-introductions-needed Tom Parker Bowles and The Observer’s wine critic Hannah Crosbie.
The challenge this year centres around Dante’s famous chicken alla diavola. The brief? Create the perfect accompanying sauce.
One competitor has gone with her boyfriend’s romesco. Another has chosen a safe salsa piccante. One particularly confident rival boldly describes his submission as “Sauce Lègendè”, which head chef Simon Attridge has diplomatically amended to “mushroom sauce”.
I spent weeks agonising. What goes with chicken alla diavola? What will impress the judges? Are they even my friends anymore? What might finally deliver the victory that has so cruelly eluded me?
Eventually, I settled on a tahini sauce loaded with burnt spring onions, roasted pistachios and enough lemon to wake the dead. Chicken alla diavola is all smoke, spice and swagger. My hope is that the tahini cools things down, the lemon cuts through the richness and the spring onions pick up the char from the grill. The pistachios are largely there because they make me look like I’ve thought about this properly.
Will it win? I’d like to think so. You’d have to buy a ticket to find out, which you can do so here.
But after two years of near misses, suspicious outcomes and inexplicable victories for salads, I have learnt not to get ahead of myself. This year I am expecting defeat. Which, now I come to think of it, is probably exactly how winners talk.
Anyway, that’s not really the point.
Behind the culinary chaos and ritual humiliation sits a serious cause. Action Against Hunger’s programmes support millions of people around the world through nutrition, clean water, emergency aid and food security initiatives. They’ve raised millions over the years to provide vital support in communities affected by conflict, poverty and climate-related crises.
As the evening progresses, attention turns from the critics to the auction, which has become almost as fiercely contested as the cooking itself. Much of this year’s catalogue remains under wraps, but previous lots have included private dining experiences with some of the country’s top chefs, luxury hotel stays, wine tours, restaurant review experiences and even a trip to Dubai complete with five-star accommodation and dining.
Last year, a masterclass with the Cinnamon Club’s Vivek Singh sold for £14,000, while a guided tour of Soho with Knott and Ellis (like Mortimer and Whitehouse, but “Gone Drinking”) raised £19,000 across two winning bids. One guest even donated £10,500 for absolutely nothing at all, purely in support of the charity.
This year’s live and silent auctions promise more of the same: exceptional food, enviable experiences and the chance to spend an alarming amount of money for a very good cause.
Whether the judges crown a winner, a loser or simply confirm every chef’s suspicion that critics should stay firmly in the dining room, is ultimately beside the point.
As for me, I’ll be trying not to repeat the mistakes of previous years. No giant meat pies. No edible flower perfectionism. No premature confidence.
Though if someone beats me with a cucumber salad this year, all bets are off.
Too Many Critics takes place at Claridge’s on 15 June in aid of Action Against Hunger. Guests can enjoy dinner, drinks and a live auction packed with exceptional prizes, while helping raise funds to tackle hunger around the world. For tickets and more information, visit www.actionagainsthunger.org.uk/get-involved/attend-an-event/too-many-critics
