43 Thoughts I Had About Episode 1 of Netflix’s ‘East of Eden’ Adaptation

Zoe Kazan’s wide-ranging and visually stunning new limited-series adaptation of the 1952 John Steinbeck novel East of Eden is finally out on Netflix, starring a glorious Florence Pugh. Set in California’s Salinas Valley, the series follows two families—the Trasks and the Hamiltons—who can’t seem to stop their paths from crossing in increasingly dark and desperate ways. Below, find (quite literally) every thought I had about Episode 1 of East of Eden:

1. This extremely dark opening scene is making me think of my favorite meme.
2. We need gaffers!!!!!!!
3. Florence Pugh is so good at doing a Little Period Voice.
4. Eek, she’s really bloody.
5. Clean her off, Christopher Abbott!
6. How do you “drown yourself in a puddle of rainwater”?
7. “The drum, the drum, the distant drum” is kind of a bop.
8. I’m getting real Don Draper childhood-flashback vibes here.
9. Don’t hit this kid 🙁
10. I mean, granted, it wasn’t a time for gentle parenting, but still!
11. God, that period-piece light!
12. Gaffer critique withdrawn.
13. Now my dog wants to be cradled like the dog onscreen.
14. Oh, okay, it’s just because he found a tiny piece of pancake stuck to my shirt that he wanted to eat under the guise of cuddling me.
15. I genuinely think I would throw up and/or die myself if I ever had to shoot a rabbit.
16. I was…not built for country life, let’s just say.
17. Adam’s all grown up and being enlisted in the cavalry!
18. Wait, so “biting the bullet” was an actual thing?
19. Sex?
20. In the olden days?
21. Not the Arrested Development-style brother-on-brother Boyfight!
22. I, too, want to creak back and forth, gently on a rocking chair while I sit on a porch as a storm rolls in.
23. Damn, that is one purple sky.
24. I’m a little bored of this army drama, sorry.
25. Mike Faist, you absolute cutie.
26. Should I rewatch Challengers?
27. Okay, one Mike Faist project at a time.
28. I want to adopt a stray dog from Georgia.
29. And/or kiss Christopher Abbott.
30. JK, he’s a happily partnered man and new father!
31. These hats are some truly crazy work.
32. Then again, it was the Hat Era.
33. “I find myself alone with thoughts that I’d rather not be alone with”….mood.
34. “No sense in keeping a place clean when there’s no one here to see it” is exactly how I feel about home upkeep.
35. Like, if nobody’s around to judge me, why would I vacuum?
36. A slightly sweaty Christopher Abbott in his little suit is truly devastatingly hot.
37. Mike Faist, for his part, always reminds me of Silas from Weeds.
38. Should I wear suspenders?
39. With, like, a simple white tee?
40. Ugh, no, I can’t pull that off.
41. Aw, I love the Boy Bonhomie of a haircut between fellas.
42. “So, I was thinking we could saddle up tomorrow” is, unfortunately, not a Brokeback-style gay euphemism.
43. Well, that was vibey and well-acted, if maybe ever so slightly boring?